English to become official language of the EU
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
English to become official language of the EU
英语将成为欧盟官方语言
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
欧盟委员会刚刚宣布一项协议：英语将成为欧盟官方语言，而非原本另一个热门候选 —— 德语。
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
作为谈判的一部分，英国政府承认英语拼写还有改进空间，并接受了一项为期五年的逐步推行计划，即所谓的 “欧洲英语”。
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
第一年：软音 c 全部改成 s。
当然，这会让公务员（civil servants → sivil servants）开心得跳起来。
硬音 c 全部改成 k。
这样就能扫清混乱（clear up confusion → klear up konfusion），键盘上也能少一个字母。
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
第二年，公众热情会越来越高：烦人的 ph 全部改成 f。
像 photograph（照片）这类词会缩短 20%。
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
到了第三年，公众对新拼写的接受度预计会达到一个水平，届时可以进行更复杂的改动。
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
政府将鼓励取消双写字母 —— 它们一直是准确拼写的障碍。
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
所有人都会同意：英语中那些讨厌的、不发音的 e 实在碍眼，应该被淘汰。
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
到第四年，人们会逐渐接受这类改动：比如把 th 换成 z，把 w 换成 v。
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
第五年：含 ou 的词里，多余的 o 可以去掉。
五年之后，我们将拥有一种真正简洁、统一的书写风格。
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
从此不再有麻烦和困难，所有人都会觉得轻松理解彼此。欧洲统一的梦想终将实现。
Und nach ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
而五年之后，我们所有人都会说回德语—— 就像当初一开始就打算的那样。
Und nach ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
这句话的原始标准英文是：
And after the fifth year, we’ll all be speaking German as they wanted in the first place.
对应恶搞拼写对照
- Und → And
- ze fifz yer → the fifth year
- ve → we
- vil → will
- al → all
- be speking → be speaking
- German → German
- like zey vunted → as they wanted
- in ze forst plas → in the first place
这个笑话改编自马克吐温的幽默短文。
“A plan for the improvement of English spelling” – Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter “c” would be dropped to be replased either by “k” or “s”, and likewise “x” would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which “c” would be retained would be the “ch” formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform “w” spelling, so that “which” and “one” would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish “y” replasing it with “i” and Iear 4 might fiks the “g/j” anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez “c”, “y” and “x” — bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez — tu riplais “ch”, “sh”, and “th” rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.